Deep thoughts by Megan Mann:
Well as I sit here and take pity on myself I would like to take this chance to type it out and make myself feel better or at least try to.
Well I think I have just had enough with everything in my life. My kids I love them dearly, but oh my goodness! They don't listen, they want everything they see, don't have respect or responsibility for the belongs let along their actions. The boys fight nonstop and beat each other up. They never pick up their toys when asked or threatened. Payton sits in her room or is texting on her phone, never wants to have a conversation and then when you do ask her something she has started to yell at me to answer. I ask her to do something and she won't do it for days or just won't do it at all.
Work is good and busy, making some good money it is hard to find balance with home work and me.
Family okay I guess, I never see my parents or Grandma. Just always to busy, you never know when the end of the road is here and I don't want regrets. In-laws sick and in the hospital hopefully on the road to recovery. I worry about my kids growing up without mamaw but she is more worried about them having that stupid new toy or some dumb name brand clothing item. She thinks that is what they need and works her tail off to make sure they have it. I am grateful for that but what is that teaching them? Not to mention what is it doing to her and her health? Is it truley worth it in the long run? I want them to have lots of fun times with her. Greed and disrespect is bad enough in the world I don't want my kids to contribute to it, yes at this rate they will. I want them to grow up with God on their mind first and then family and friends and then material goods. Materials are not going to make things better. Sure it is nice to have nice things but not my first priority. Other in-laws I guess fine don't see much out of them but I guess that is the way it goes. Sometimes I don't feel good enough for anyone but oh well this is me right?? Take it or leave it I don't like half of the bullshit that others do and say but I am sure they don't like what I have to say either so I guess it balances out.
Marriage well what can I say I think that is 90% of this randomness that I am sure none of you care to read. Men, you give an inch and they take 3 miles! Do they not really have any clue on what we do on a day to day basis? I work too! I get told though to work harder to make more money. Well guess what buddy I make double what you do on must weeks I don't see you having a second or third or even fourth job. Okay yes you do a few loads of laundry and the dishes from time to time, but do you want a gold star? Try taking the kids to and from must every event that they have, making sure there is a babysitter when needed. having them clothed teeth brushed and feed. Make sure that everything in their backpacks are signed lunch money is given and they are happy and healthy. Heavens I don't think he looked in the kids backpacks twice last year! Do you even know what grade they are going to be in? Discipline them, hell that would mean you would have to pay attention to them. Sometimes Ijust wonder what goes on in that big head. I have to make sure that every penny is accounted for and either put in the mail to pay bills or given to the bank so they won't take our house. I have the stress and burden of how everything is going to line out for the month. You don't even know how much is in your checking account. You sure can gripe though about not having money in your wallet Or if the house payment is taking or if your Gm card has been paid. God forbid I am late or forget. Well the bank has not moved last time I checked so go get money for yourself and pay some bills to! I am not your mother or your keeper. This is not 1952, I am just to independent for all this bullshit.
Friends well I guess okay I had a couple over the other night and we all talked about our issues and someone else's problems seem so much bigger than mine. I should feel blessed that no one is hurt or sick and that we do make ends meet every month. I miss my friends though. I just have such a crazy schedule that it is hard for me to make time for everyone. I am blessed to have a lot of friends and love them all and miss them all!
Me well I don't know who me is these days or what me wants! I want to be loved deeply with no questions. I want my husband to wrap me in his arms and just stare at me and smile. It is out there. I don't want to fight, love is not work it should just come naturally. I want to feel special not like some kind of piece of meat when I crawl into bed at 12:00 and am dog tired. I want someone to dance in the rain and not care who is looking if they make faces it is only because they are jealous. I want to go out and hang and have good conversation not just stare at each other with nothing to say. I want to look out the window and see a man with his kids playing ball and chasing each other. Someone who loves every child no matter if he or she is his that shouldn't matter. I want to be passionate and wild with the man of my dreams that not even Matthew McCanohey can replace. I don't feel like I should settle for anything less life is to short! I have this one life and it is what I make it. Yelling and being mad, sad and stressed all the time is not what I want. I am the only one that can fix it. I have tried and nothing seems to work so now what? Where do I take me and my three kids from here? Okay so as you read all of this you are probably thinking good grief, but come on I am not the only one in this world who has problems. I am just a open book I guess I just don't care what John and Susie homemaker are thinking. I say what everyone else is thinking. They have problems to, I am getting older and thinking about life and I want more, more out of my marriage especially. Well world thanks for listening and if I upset anybody sorry but so be it., just know that I do love you no matter what. We are all humans and are not perfect. I feel better so good night! Okay so sit back and enjoy this song it says it all. I want a fantasy world that is out there or is already in front of me i just have to find it and I will, I deserve it. Peace Out!