Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Deep thoughts by Megan Mann:
Well as I sit here and take pity on myself I would like to take this chance to type it out and make myself feel better or at least try to.
Well I think I have just had enough with everything in my life. My kids I love them dearly, but oh my goodness! They don't listen, they want everything they see, don't have respect or responsibility for the belongs let along their actions. The boys fight nonstop and beat each other up. They never pick up their toys when asked or threatened. Payton sits in her room or is texting on her phone, never wants to have a conversation and then when you do ask her something she has started to yell at me to answer. I ask her to do something and she won't do it for days or just won't do it at all.
Work is good and busy, making some good money it is hard to find balance with home work and me.
Family okay I guess, I never see my parents or Grandma. Just always to busy, you never know when the end of the road is here and I don't want regrets. In-laws sick and in the hospital hopefully on the road to recovery. I worry about my kids growing up without mamaw but she is more worried about them having that stupid new toy or some dumb name brand clothing item. She thinks that is what they need and works her tail off to make sure they have it. I am grateful for that but what is that teaching them? Not to mention what is it doing to her and her health? Is it truley worth it in the long run? I want them to have lots of fun times with her. Greed and disrespect is bad enough in the world I don't want my kids to contribute to it, yes at this rate they will. I want them to grow up with God on their mind first and then family and friends and then material goods. Materials are not going to make things better. Sure it is nice to have nice things but not my first priority. Other in-laws I guess fine don't see much out of them but I guess that is the way it goes. Sometimes I don't feel good enough for anyone but oh well this is me right?? Take it or leave it I don't like half of the bullshit that others do and say but I am sure they don't like what I have to say either so I guess it balances out.
Marriage well what can I say I think that is 90% of this randomness that I am sure none of you care to read. Men, you give an inch and they take 3 miles! Do they not really have any clue on what we do on a day to day basis? I work too! I get told though to work harder to make more money. Well guess what buddy I make double what you do on must weeks I don't see you having a second or third or even fourth job. Okay yes you do a few loads of laundry and the dishes from time to time, but do you want a gold star? Try taking the kids to and from must every event that they have, making sure there is a babysitter when needed. having them clothed teeth brushed and feed. Make sure that everything in their backpacks are signed lunch money is given and they are happy and healthy. Heavens I don't think he looked in the kids backpacks twice last year! Do you even know what grade they are going to be in? Discipline them, hell that would mean you would have to pay attention to them. Sometimes Ijust wonder what goes on in that big head. I have to make sure that every penny is accounted for and either put in the mail to pay bills or given to the bank so they won't take our house. I have the stress and burden of how everything is going to line out for the month. You don't even know how much is in your checking account. You sure can gripe though about not having money in your wallet Or if the house payment is taking or if your Gm card has been paid. God forbid I am late or forget. Well the bank has not moved last time I checked so go get money for yourself and pay some bills to! I am not your mother or your keeper. This is not 1952, I am just to independent for all this bullshit.
Friends well I guess okay I had a couple over the other night and we all talked about our issues and someone else's problems seem so much bigger than mine. I should feel blessed that no one is hurt or sick and that we do make ends meet every month. I miss my friends though. I just have such a crazy schedule that it is hard for me to make time for everyone. I am blessed to have a lot of friends and love them all and miss them all!
Me well I don't know who me is these days or what me wants! I want to be loved deeply with no questions. I want my husband to wrap me in his arms and just stare at me and smile. It is out there. I don't want to fight, love is not work it should just come naturally. I want to feel special not like some kind of piece of meat when I crawl into bed at 12:00 and am dog tired. I want someone to dance in the rain and not care who is looking if they make faces it is only because they are jealous. I want to go out and hang and have good conversation not just stare at each other with nothing to say. I want to look out the window and see a man with his kids playing ball and chasing each other. Someone who loves every child no matter if he or she is his that shouldn't matter. I want to be passionate and wild with the man of my dreams that not even Matthew McCanohey can replace. I don't feel like I should settle for anything less life is to short! I have this one life and it is what I make it. Yelling and being mad, sad and stressed all the time is not what I want. I am the only one that can fix it. I have tried and nothing seems to work so now what? Where do I take me and my three kids from here? Okay so as you read all of this you are probably thinking good grief, but come on I am not the only one in this world who has problems. I am just a open book I guess I just don't care what John and Susie homemaker are thinking. I say what everyone else is thinking. They have problems to, I am getting older and thinking about life and I want more, more out of my marriage especially. Well world thanks for listening and if I upset anybody sorry but so be it., just know that I do love you no matter what. We are all humans and are not perfect. I feel better so good night! Okay so sit back and enjoy this song it says it all. I want a fantasy world that is out there or is already in front of me i just have to find it and I will, I deserve it. Peace Out!


jodi said...

My thoughts exactly! Seriously, somedays I would love to just crawl in a hole and let everyone figure out what I do for them every minute of the day. When you can come up with an answer to these things, feel free to let me know how to fix things because I haven't found any answers lately either.....much love from my chaotic world to yours:)

Lori said...

THANK YOU! for voicing your thoughts. I often feel very similar to your venting. Good for you. People are often so focused on material things ... why? So they can buy a $60 pair of jeans vs paying $20 somewhere else only so they can look down their nose at you and stare you up and down because their stuff is "new" or "better"? UGH! And toys are SO over rated. Most kids I know have WAY too many - why keep buying? Especially when they don't take care of what they have? Relationships are far more important than THINGS. My grandparents, family members and friends didn't spoil me rotten with toys and clothes and such when I was growing up and I'm glad. I remember the special times we spent together - not what they bought me. And as far as marriage goes ... I think all married couples have room to grow, room to reconnect and room to keep the love alive. It's a 50/50 task. If both sides give it makes a huge difference. Who wants to hop in the sack after a crazy day chasing kids, grocery shopping, laundry, cooking, cleaning ... without a shower that day?!!! Gheesh!

Sorry ... this is your soapbox, not mine! lol I love you!

Megan said...

i love you guys thanks!

And then there were three... said...

Megan...I hear ya girl! You are definitely not the only one who feels this way. You're right everyone has problems and those people who are reading your post thinking differently aren't being real with themselves. Marriage is hard work just like all relationships are. But in order to keep them going good, all people involved have to give. I feel just like you do lots of days. I want to give 100% and get 100%. I don't want to be the only one who takes care of the house and the kid. Maybe all of us girls should take off for a week and see what the men think about being Mr. Mom for a week. Perhaps we should alert our moms though so they can make sure the kids are still fed. :-)
Glad venting it out made you feel better. Obviously there are many of us out here who understand. Feel free to let it out whenever ya like. Yes other people may have a worse situation but that doesn't mean yours is any less valuable.

Brenda said...

So proud of you for expressing your feelings and not worrying about what others think. That's my biggest fault, so worried about what people will think of me....why should I care??? Wish I didn't : )
You go girl!!! Thanks for the relaxing time--totally helped!!! Love ya!!!

Anonymous said...

I love the song you have on here
now. Very Deep ...